Giant boulder-sized (because there are such things as little boulders) decisions are a pain in my tush, especially when they’re teetering on the cliff edge of ‘life defining’ and you’re standing down below, sweat collecting at the nape of your neck – do I run? Do I stay? Maybe you have a week to sweat it out, maybe a year or two, or (if you’re like me and notorious for throwing yourself into the canyon of falling rocks) you have about 4.6 seconds.
Of course in this moment of adrenaline pumped, hyperventilating terror, it’s only natural that the ‘logical’ course of action seems to be Run Like a Headless Chicken to Throw Advice Begging Bombs at Anyone and Everyone. My theory is that this form of external poll taking, or all-inclusive pro/con debating if you prefer, is a rapid attempt to lighten the load of the internal responsibility.
Wait. What? How is this logical? How many of these people have actually been where you are now? How many are now where you want to be? Are you really looking to live someone else’s life?
How can they offer relevant advice on a life they aren’t living?
We call on the collective opinion of the masses to support/encourage/pursuade a very individual decision.
No one else can give you advice on your life.
As daunting as this sounds because of the implication that now we actually have to take full responsibility for our lives and our decisions, it’s just as freeing a realization. It’s empowering to know that you are the indisputable expert on you. No one knows your strength and weaknesses like you, no one knows your dreams, desires and fears like you. No one knows your integrity or passion like you.
Trust yourself when it comes to the big decisions. Go after what you want.
serial entrepreneur
explorer and adventeur
self-proclaimed ridiculous person
lifestyle design soapbox talker
Copyright 2009 by dezabulous, unless otherwise noted. All rights reserved. Original GimpStyle theme by gran impetu. Modified Theme by dezabulous.
Have I already pitched “Stumbling on Happiness” by Daniel Gilbert to you? It’s an interesting read suggesting (quite convincingly) that humans are essentially incapable of determining what makes themselves happy (happiest) due to a number of cognitive biases.
His conclusion is that despite our assumptions, retroactive advice from people who have made similar decisions is many factors more accurate than our own decisions based on selective memory perception and predictive difficulty.
Comment by Andrew — January 25, 2010 #
Although I agree, I do still take advice from people on my life. Im not afraid to take advice if I think it will be of benefit. But ultimately I make the last call
Comment by Anthony Feint — January 26, 2010 #
@Andrew. What you’re proposing makes sense, even if only from an outsiders ability to think in more objective terms.
What you said here, Kristin, about people turning to others largely to lighten the load of responsibility, is probably true. By seeking multiple other forms of validation, its far easier to justify any decision–including ones we know we probably shouldn’t make. Admittedly, I’m the queen of that- there have been times when I know the “responsible” course of action is the opposite of what I’d like to do, so I seek out others’ validation as a way of lessening my guilt. That said, usually the option I want to go with is way more fun, so I rarely regret it.
. Even if I probably “should have” saved x amount of money instead of spending it. Money is to spend, isn’t it?
You know, if you think about it- if you are constantly soliciting the opinions of others before making a decision (a traditionally sound practice, or so it is promoted), you are essentially no longer the owner of your own life. Even if you say you’re merely collecting opinions and not basing your decision on them, you probably are subconsciously anyway. Scary!
Comment by Ash — January 26, 2010 #
@andrew – You have not. I will check it out. I do think I’ve heard of the theory behind that though. Which does sound intriguing and possibly legit. And seeing as it’s based on not knowing what makes you happy, sure, having someone else tell you what works would make sense. An answer to the ‘unanswerable’ might make you happier (or feel more secure in any case) than sitting in limbo and dealing with not knowing until you do know. I think it’s more a matter of listening to your instincts if what you want is happiness over security, but I will check out the book, I am not beyond convincing in this matter.
Also, I am not saying that your decisions should be uninformed. I strongly believe in benefits of research, I’m merely calling out the research based on personal biases from other people’s experiences as more or less unhelpful.
@anthony – This post actually came about when I was in the midst of a “Run Like a Headless Chicken to Throw Advice Begging Bombs at Anyone and Everyone” moment in regards to taking a full time job I was offered. I was right there with all of the pros everyone brought up.
But when it came down to it, and was actually in the process of accepting, when it hit me like a cartoon anvil – if I was asking advice, I’d already failed at listened to what I wanted. I thought back to the first 10 seconds when I was offered the job and my initial reaction. The job was a great offer, but there was nothing in me that really wanted to sign on for it. Everything in my body was burning up with the sudden claustrophobic there’s-probably-a-fire-mob-attacking-my-lungs feeling.
I’ve learned that that is not exactly normal to have one’s internal reactions so close to the surface, but as deep as they may be in other people, I think they’re there, we’re just not taught/trained/shown how to acknowledge them.
It pleases me to hear you make the last call, I still challenge that you can make the first and only call on most of those decisions, too.
Thanks for stopping by with your input! (Just checked out your blog…good stuff! I’ll be heading back!)
@ash – Own your life! Spend your money! (or don’t) I’m not going to respond with advice
I frequently want to do the irresponsible option as well. But I’ve also found that my sense of what’s responsible is based on other people’s notions of responsible. I used to be annoyingly frugal, and that has it’s benefits as now I can say I’m not in debt, but there are years I actually feel like I missed out on some pretty cool opportunities because I thought spending the money on them would be irresponsible. So what’s irresponsible? Spending your money on sporadic excursions and classes at the potential detriment of having no retirement fund or losing years of your life now waiting for a better day to start living? Maybe both. Maybe neither. Just something to consider individually, I guess.
Comment by Kristin — January 26, 2010 #
I find that the opposite extreme can be just as harmful in its own way…I can tell you this from experience, as I’ve found myself in that camp more than once.
But I guess that’s true with anything. Trying to align yourself as much as possible with a more central path rather than the outlying ones gives you the balance to figure out what extremes you can safely attempt and which are better off left on the periphery.
Now I’m giving advice again. Bad habit of mine. Maybe it’s just what I do because I can be so bad at taking it?
Comment by Colin Wright — January 26, 2010 #
“Trust yourself when it comes to the big decisions. Go after what you want.”
Truer words have never been spoke. Very well written post, and that is something I’ve definitely had to learn over the past year. People can’t make decisions for you, and as soon as you stop relying on them to do so, you will be free to live your life as you please….
Great post!
Comment by Sean — January 28, 2010 #
Advice on giant sized boulder decisions to everyone:
Make a flow chart & climb them.
Comment by Antman — February 2, 2010 #